Yup more on the subject of lack of apology. For a lot of years I blamed others for my errors, mistakes, mess ups, etc. I did not and will not apologize nor take any responsibility for my behavior or actions. Needless to say I accumulated a lot of bad karma that eventually led to my downfall. When I was not sorry I was right and made the other wrong. I was acting from a victim standpoint or ‘poor me’. I was also acting from a persecutor stand point, ‘apologize or else’ threatening emotional hostage taking. Both are drama roles that require a ton of energy to design and maintain.
When I learned to say sorry from a place of reflection of what my part in the drama was, the burden of shame, and anger and suppressed emotions was lifted.
In the end I learned it is easier to say sorry, a true apology that is.
Well what’s it going to be? Strong enough to fight and see who is better or be a sissy and slink away? Immature invitations for drama used to draw me in as a moth to flame to prove worthiness and fit to compete. Anymore it is a bunch of hot air, anxiety and childhood drama being played out.
There is a small opening here to negotiate with empathy and compassion or de escalate the adversary who is fear burdened. Enter Chris Voss and Jim Camp. I have noticed that during competition there is a chance to talk emotional hostages or at least threaten to. Take for instance the above invite, it is a question and an insult at the same time. What is the intention of such an act? To be a victim, rescuer or persecutor? Tick tock, tick tock, okay time is up. Yes the answer is all of the above. The primary energy thrust is that of persecutor with tinges of rescuer ‘you can prove your strength if you fight me’ and the base emotion of this statement is victim ‘I am afraid.’
What does compassion and empathy say let along with TED paradigm as well as Black Swan Methods? Well it is simple if you let it be, the adversary is emotional excited and escalated due to a perceived threat real or imagined or even unconscious. That energy is projected outwards, the energy has to go somewhere and you are the closest target. That being known use the adversaries energy to your advantage (Verbal Judo, aikido or self defense). Become a creator or a challenger or a coach. Ask what is my intention at this moment? Competition or compassion/empathy? How can I help this person who seems to be in emotional suffering?
Yup easier said than done agreed however use 2 things small wins and slow fixes. Each encounter you may not feel the best but little by little you will regain emotional balance and sobriety to deal with drama.
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Tagged abuse, change, choice, compassion, emotions, empathy, feelings, management, power, relationships, thinking, violence
Here it is again! How does this happen? What is at work here?
This is one of the most curious subjects of life. I call it a lack of vulnerability. There is more to it yes I know and I am sure it is a complex system however I think at the foundation it is a defensive shield, for what I am not sure yet.
More on this later, just got back from the holiday weekend.
If you haven’t read this book. It is about goodness and a design for goodness. It requires some deep thought, contemplation and introspection as to our own responsibilities for care taking of our planet and our consumption and how we deny and invalidate our behavior.
Part of my expectation issue is attachment to ideas, notably mine. What if ideas did not define me nor my thinking what if they just were? Would I feel so bad if people rejected them? That is a good question.
Another piece of this method is to slow down and think. Find the constraint or make a fish bone diagram if need be. The key that Carl tries to get across is to think and think hard about the problem before jumping to conclusions.
We are often in the chaos of the quick fix for many things ie weight loss, instant money, and happiness. We do not realize that it is a complex system we live in and that it needs to be looked at from many angles. Our myopic view is what lets us down most of the time and continues the suffering.
So it is good to learn how to think In a way that helps me to reduce suffering.
Recently this seems to be a topic of interest. As I understand it neurosis is conflicted or off balance. Anxiety is a feeling of worry about a future event.
As change and impermanence go is there not a degree of neurotic anxiousness with all change?
Perhaps it comes with the issue of control and attachment to an outcome that cannot be controlled or manipulated.
I have found that the more I fight, deny and invalidate impermanence, my attempt to control it and my own flavors of neurotic anxiety my suffering continues.