It would be arrogant and remiss of me to write what I write and pretend that I am immune from my own addiction to control.
I caught myself today twice in stealth violence mode, making invalidations of another’s words, experience,feelings or thoughts. I told someone to “not worry and just relax”but no sooner then those words left my mouth I felt this sinking in the pit of my stomach and I heard my own mind say ‘you are a fraud.’ Because I watched the face of person I said that to cower and withdraw as it struck by a punch or defend against a physical strike. I had hurt someone I had influenced them negatively after all the writing I do about this epidemic. So there I sat on the drive home aware of what I said and how I got to the point of being clueless of my emotional state and the situation that I was in.
Why did you do it? You may ask. The answer neediness and control. I wanted to play that game of rescue and by hearing my own voice and all the wise stuff I say as well as I was at some level feeling out of control. So to gain that back or at least the illusion of it I needed to make someone else suffer.
Now what? There are cues to pick up on in any situation for me. If I am feeling escalated or repressed then I need to note that and say nothing when asked or at least move to default of: listen, validate, pause and short answer that is vague. When I say too much I am on stage and out of my neediness I say way too much. I put my foot in my mouth as I am emotionally unregulated.
To who I invalidated and the world I am sorry, please forgive me.